my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
