Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
