Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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