Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
