I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
