I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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