oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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