god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
