okay pat passed out under dana's car
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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