in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
