How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
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Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
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You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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