Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
