Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
