Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
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Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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