There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
