I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
