wanna go halves on a baby?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she peed on how many people?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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