can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
