my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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