I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
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I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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