just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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