you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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