Jerry, you need to find god
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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