I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
