dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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