my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
