Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
