Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
