There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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