the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
