Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
