Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(618): View more from Illinois

here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...

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(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.

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(360): View more from Washington

I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?

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