first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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