I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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