Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
