And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
