I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I still have a little drunk in my system
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
