So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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