I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
