I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
