He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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