My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
