Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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