I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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