oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
