walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
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She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
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I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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