I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
