I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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