oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
