chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
