I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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