Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
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You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
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Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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