How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
